HEALING: THROUGH COMPASSIONATE ENQUIRY.

Recently, there’s been a natural orientation towards study in the field of trauma-based recovery, through the lens of compassionate enquiry.

Both for my own interest and to support my beautiful clients on the many multidimensional layers we work with. It’s been a really expansive experience. One that is not only enriching and deepening my own personal thesis but also my capacity to support others at deeper levels. An experience that naturally highlights the undeniable necessity and value in being the subject and a student of what you teach.

In truth, I’ve come to know much of the material not through formal study, but in the most personal way, through my own healing journey.

Despite the common misconceptions though, it’s seldom through the intellect that true understanding arises. And, as noble as good intentions alone seem, this too often fails to suffice.

It is instead, one of lived experience, through which we come to be the subject and the product of the teaching.

In this way, I’ve come to appreciate that for learning to become “gnosis” (which could be described as a knowing that has ripened into the marrow of who you are, unshakable because it is lived) for the most part arises out of a felt experience with illumination, revelation, and integration, and therefore is understood by those who have experienced first-hand the power and transformation available through higher love.

By illumination (in context to healing) I mean those moments when light touches what was previously unseen, when something long veiled in shadow is suddenly brought into awareness and the light.

Revelation, on the other hand, is the felt realisation that follows; it is when the meaning of what has been highlighted begins to unfold within you, and for a fleeting moment you not only see it but experience it in all its potentials, often accompanied with a deep sense that “this truth has always been here.”

Integration (as the name suggests) is where that realisation is no longer just a thought or a feeling, it becomes embodied, lived, and allowed to reshape the way we meet the world. When these experiences have taken their natural course, what remains is unshakable gnosis.

Through this lens I’ve come to appreciate, it is, through diligent application and commitment to our newly found truth that we make space for the new seeds to take root across all facets of our life.

And this is without a doubt available to each and every one of us, if we are open to it.

On the subject of trauma, which impacts our human aspects, and therefore our capacity for inner peace and harmony both within and without, this understanding is helpful because: 𝓣𝓻𝓪𝓾𝓶𝓪 𝓲𝓼𝓷’𝓽 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓪𝓫𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓭 𝓽𝓸 𝔂𝓸𝓾; 𝓲𝓽’𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓷𝓪𝓻𝓻𝓸𝔀𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓸𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓵𝓭𝓿𝓲𝓮𝔀 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓹𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓲𝓽.

That said, it can still be surprising to hear, trauma isn’t simply the “crash-bang” moments etched in our memory (although it can be). Much of our “trauma” is born out of the micro-fractures we experience over time, particularly during our developmental years when we depended on our primary caregivers for safety and survival.

An inbuilt mechanism that is to some degree unavoidable and encoded into our human nature.

In this way it’s not necessarily about having an experience of “abusive primary caregivers” or a “perceived abusive early childhood” (although for some, it can feel and quite literally be that way). It is, actually anything that occurs and causes the recipient to go into a state of permanent contraction. This natural, protective adaptation, once serving us, becomes the very thing that limits our reality now.

For instance, on the topic of adaptations; consider the development of ADD/ADHD which is often experienced as a narrowing of the attention span, sometimes described as a dysregulation of attention (with the paradox of hyperfocus) where being fully present in the moment becomes a challenge. In context to a trauma response, this can be understood as a possible adaptation arising as early as infancy, emerging from extreme discomfort, in an attempt to dissociate; or as a protective reaction to overstimulation or threat that was not met with soothing in the moment.

This highlights that trauma and its associated adaptations, while not always in our conscious awareness, simply find their home inside of us as survival-based mechanisms and most often do not go away until they’re in one way or another harmonised. And although the memory (if we can access it) of its happenings may fade; the feelings, and adaptations in their essence, remain.

Here’s a picture that for me really illustrates this: a story told by a wonderful physician Gabor Maté—

if a person walked up to you and tapped you lightly on the shoulder, would it hurt? Most would likely say no. Yet, what if, beneath your clothing, you had a deep burn on that shoulder, where your skin was no longer protecting the sensitive layers beneath? Would my tap hurt? You might answer yes. Why? Not because the tap was hard, maliciously intended, or forceful, but because there was a deep sensitivity there. Yet, it was always just a tap.

When we are triggered, we are often quick to attribute that blame to the situation or other, shifting attention outward or, for some, spiralling into self-condemnation. Yet the message is the same: the reaction does not match the occurrence. Highlighting there is a wound, and it is not healed.

This type of self-observation isn’t about picking to pieces or looking for issues, that would be pointless, as if a past happening didn’t traumatise you, there won’t be any residue.

And so, compassionate enquiry is really a means to identify it and allows us to heal it, if and only if it arises.

It is true that some seemingly traumatic experiences do not always result in held trauma; it will all depend on how it was handled in the moment and moments near after.

If we were well supported and created strong supportive narratives around it, it can often serve our learning, and our worldview does not narrow. It may even, in some cases, cause us to expand.

Essentially though, for those moments where this did not happen, if we do not address those areas of relevant impact, at least until they fade to the equivalent of a scar (where there is a memory/story without a charge) there will remain places of sensitivity that we adapt ourselves around.

𝓘𝓽 𝓲𝓶𝓹𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓼 𝔀𝓱𝓸 𝔀𝓮 𝓑𝓔.

And so I would offer instead: healing is not simply dredging up the past, but reorienting and freeing ourselves from the limitations that have kept us bound and no longer serve us, so we may live freely in the world as it truly is.

Therefore, acknowledging our pain points becomes an act of liberation, and love, through which we see the ways we narrowed our worldview to cope.

This then gives us access to it, and through compassionate enquiry we learn our wounds are not bigger than us, they are just scary because we do not know what to do with them, which is why they are still hanging around.

So rather than pushing it away or rejecting them we start to loosen there hold on us.

This isn’t about going into agreement or walking around holding our wounds like they are fixed parts of us. We are instead learning to re-parent ourselves 𝓽𝓱𝓻𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓿𝓮𝓻𝔂 𝓲𝓶𝓹𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓵𝓮𝓷𝓼 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓱𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯, and give those parts a new experience, and an opportunity to be liberated from the cages we have built around them.

Yet, if we don’t reclaim the role- we will inevitably carry our wounds into our relationships, communities, and even our systems of power.

𝓐𝓷𝓭 𝓼𝓸, 𝓰𝓸𝓮𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓪𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 “𝓲𝓯 𝔀𝓮 𝓭𝓸𝓷’𝓽 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓵 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓱𝓾𝓻𝓽 𝓾𝓼, 𝔀𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓲𝓽𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂 𝓫𝓵𝓮𝓮𝓭 𝓸𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓼𝓮 𝔀𝓱𝓸 𝓭𝓲𝓭𝓷’𝓽 𝓬𝓾𝓽 𝓾𝓼”

Many of us don’t recognise the ways we express what we needed as a child through our external interactions and relationships.

For someone who feels they were never heard, or neglected, this might express as being overly attentive, caring, or rescuing others in disproportionate ways.

The other swing may be overstating or taking more than we need, to varying degrees of acts of power, where we reclaim it in a disproportionate way.

Sure, both swings of the same coin may give the wounded part temporary relief or control, yet in essence this only glues us to it. This is the opposite of liberation and love.

For the example of the over-giver, it may offer a sense that love is available out there, because you are demonstrating it, which can feel deeply healing to these parts. Yet it can also be a means we re-enact our deepest pain points.

You see, when we rescue someone from their own feelings or situations we take responsibility for what is not ours. Often this causes the recipient to feel held in the moment, and sometimes very grateful. In that way we may feel seen, validated, and kind of heart. This too can feel and be positive, but, if that care is given in disproportionate amounts (and often it is), it becomes greatly limiting for the other’s growth, causing dependency, where we are essentially farming out our need to feel needed in trade for their dependency.

And of course, as typically seen, if the one we over-extend happens to fail to meet our worldview of gratitude and appreciation, it inevitably results in affirming the wound and painting the other as a villain in the story. For some this will sound familiar…

Because the part of you witnessing this sees you giving love to others, but no to yourself, reinforcing the meaning previously made: love exists, but to the exclusion of me.

We come to know that love is out there … we are just not deserving of it.

This is just one example of the many possible ways we can express our inner most wounds by overcompensating for others, or expecting others to do the same, which mearly serves to distract us from what we are really needing: our own love and parenting.

Even if we are consciously unaware of it, we are demonstrating that we are still waiting for a primary caregiver—in our partner, our loved ones, or the world—to take over the role, rather than simply being it for ourselves.

Yet our partners and people we are in close relationship with are not meant to be our “parents” in the way we needed as children. This is an incredibly difficult and unreasonable standard to hold and of course inevitably sets them up to fail.

A dysfunction that is largely unhelpful to either party.

It’s akin to trying to wipe a spot on your face through the mirror - It of course never works.

This type of dysfunctional behaviour is everywhere we turn, in particular observed in the power struggles we see play out in the world. Many of our leaders are traumatised people who happen to be responsible for making decisions for the greater collective through a narrow lens or worldview.

This is often too where the need for validation, control, and power plays out.

The truth is, collective healing demands leaders who are in right balance. And that requires the demonstration of some degree of self-mastery.

And we too, no matter the degree of our real-world responsibilities, cause our own ripple effect; to which we are responsible.

In this way self responsibility — beginning with self awareness is courageous, and both an act of love and service to others.

Another type of misunderstood trauma is inherited adaptations.

Another story that may illustrate this is an experiment on fleas: where a scientist placed fleas in a jar with a lid on it for an extended period of time. For a while, the fleas jumped at the lid, trying to escape. After a few days, the lid was removed, the flees continued to jump, but none of them jumped beyond the height where the lid had once been.

They had conceded, through prior experience, that it was not possible to get beyond it even when the limitation was removed. What was more illuminating was the offspring inherited the same limitation, having never been exposed to it directly.

This is a learned, generational adaptation.

Many of us are here with inherited programs. And without realising it, we are still living under glass ceilings that no longer exist. In this way, it highlights that to some degree, healing is for everyone, and in fact it’s crucial for the betterment of humanity. And it is deeply humbling to acknowledge and understand that we cannot bypass it.

No amount of perceived plastering over or spiritual bypassing will get you beyond it.

So how then do we begin to heal?

We start by reclaiming our internal parenting dynamics (a relationship that is, and was always ours to take over post-childhood).

And through the lens of compassion, where we work with diligently to establish internal safety — because Love (the true kind) is actually safe and this experience heals. This is not the type of "love" that is outsourced to others in unhealthy ways or the in a passive airy fairy way, but a deeply compassionate, wise, relenting, humbling and uplifting way, the kind that naturally returns you to wholeness through the understanding - this can never be taken: 𝓫𝓮𝓬𝓪𝓾𝓼𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓐𝓡𝓔 𝓲𝓽.

So, it isn’t about wrapping wounded parts in cotton wool or creating barricades around them, or protecting and preserving our wounds, instead it’s about compassionately moving beyond them. In the same way that a wound — even the most severe kind leaves a scar. You may have a story but the wound is no longer open. Some wounds do disappear without a trace and others are a story we tell, yet the no longer control, dictate or limit our lives.

It’s a very real opportunity to step into the quality of self-determination.

Where we learn we always have a choice. We can’t control what happens outside of us, and sometimes even to us, but we can control the way we respond.

We learn that the ability to self-regulate and heal is a super power and one that makes us both safe for ourselves and safe for others we are in relationship with.

Healing is a prerequisite for thriving, through both a spiritual and a non-spiritual lens, and deep down, we come to know it is all the same thing.

It is my experience that 𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓮 can and will reach into all things — because it’s our fundamental nature. And in order to live out of this, we must integrate it into all layers of our beingness.

And naturally, as we experience more of for ourselves in this way, we come to see it is available to all other beings; because we not only naturally begin to see ourselves in others (through an experience of knowing thy self — as within so without) but we get to hold a lantern to a possibility some never imagined possible.

It’s through our own healing we come to deeply know this.

What is possible is far beyond our capacity to grasp or imagine, so instead we learn to be fully here, present in the body, and allow the mystery and joy of living a human life to be the ongoing thesis and ecstatic part of the journey.

Through this lens we come to see that the world doesn’t benefit from more people trying to clean the faces of others, but from our individual integration, and self responsibility. In my view, this is a means through which real change can occur: not through entering into a war with dysfunction, but through recognising our power in it.

Because although history shows that things have very slowly improved with time, when we oppose something, there is always an equal and opposite reaction coming; these are the natural swings.

𝓢𝓸 𝔀𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝓸𝓮𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓵𝓮𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓾𝓼, 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓪𝓬𝓬𝓮𝓵𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓮?

And ...

𝓗𝓸𝔀 𝓬𝓪𝓷 𝔀𝓮 𝓹𝓻𝓮𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓲𝓼 𝓽𝓸 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮, 𝓽𝓸 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓪 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓲𝓶𝓹𝓪𝓬𝓽 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓵𝓭?

I would offer only this: first, diligently tend to your own garden, because in doing so, we become better able to spot dysfunction and signs of collective disease within ourselves.

And in this way, if and when we find ourselves in a position of influence, we can attempt to make more discerning choices led by love, wisdom, and clarity: the highest good you can reach for all concerned, rather than an adapted or inherited worldview.

So what to do with darkness, then?

I would say, it is to see darkness, is simply a place devoid of light/love, a place within you or with out, that we have rejected or deemed unpalatable — and so it is, in bringing light back into all of your own inner places, that you see this light is available and can reach into all things.

Make no mistake, it is first an internal job, my friends.

As within, so without.

We most certainly cannot live from or teach what we ourselves have not understood or integrated. And when we really get this, we become humbled by it. A student in an ever-evolving, expanding story where we naturally come to see there are always greater a deeper layers to expand into more compassion and love and it becomes a joy to work with them — because even through the mud, we always become more.

In this way, we begin to see our inner work is the fruits of the ripples flooding outward like a collective contagion and so the question naturally becomes: what will be your offering, through the ripple you leave behind?

~ Jen